I haven’t always been here, in this lonely state of sordid affairs. These walls were not always this close. This light, so intrusive. There was a time when my youth and zeal was enough. When it swelled above the dawn of my heart’s reservoir. Spilling, flooding, drowning. With love and hope. Who was I then? Did I know then that this day would come? This terrible day. This terrible suffering putrid day.

It’s hard to say.

My life must end, I constantly think. This is true and real… what it means to suffer. And I walk gladly into my end knowing only what is behind with certainty.

I beseech thee, oh Lord, that that is enough.

I met her at the age when life seems to supersede the present with teeming possibilities. The sun is brighter than heavenly possible, and the air snaps with crisp memories. That age when I longed for purpose, but know not of suffering. I met her and she became my suffering. I fell in love with her. I fell in love with her suffering. She became my purpose. It was enough. Then.

She came when life was confusing. I had left the Body with bitterness and confusion. Yet hope paved before me like a road.

Had I asked her then, if she understood, would she have stayed? Had I asked her then if I was okay, would she have left? My mind is tormented with such questions. How is one to prepare for suffering? How is one to prepare for that which appears more gracefully than the pedals of a flower?

To say she turned my life upside down is absurd. It was already that way when she showed up. She, if anything, helped turned me right side up. Does a ship not long to be right side up anyway? And so it was with her. So it was with me. She was simply something to hold onto. And once in hand, the turning was easy.

I simply held too tightly.

what a lovely dream
you must be
to walk along
on such lovely feet
to call these yours
repeat repeat!
pink toes atop
these lonely streets

O what lovely gems!
my child, my heir
may I wash them now
with love with care
what lonely feet
repeat, despair
but what lovely gems
you have right here

surely you know
how wonderful you are
pink toes atop
a heart of scars
pink toes atop
these lovely feet
do you realize
what you mean?

a child, a daughter
in unison
we call to you
but paper thin
you denied to us
your lovely feet
a broken heart
despair, defeat

but what lovely gems!
O songs and hymns!
pink toes atop
belong to Him
and we will stay
for your return
to sing to you
how He yearns

for pink toes atop
your lovely feet
prostituted lies
can not defeat
what a lovely dream
that you are
God’s lovely child
with an alabaster jar

pain is as marrow
and suffering, a symphony in warm up
the artist does well
to listen
and respond with hope
Sing from your soul, child!
For that is where your
loss and desolation reside
and death makes for
hopeful soil

awake with agitation, my heart
feels
like the rain on my window.
if only my arms were longer.
if only my time was like the clouds.
i would be with you
to hold you
and to listen to your story
and to help in everyway imaginable.
but my hands are here
tied to another log
and saw i must.
but as soon as Love will allow
to you i will send everything i can.
everything i can.