put in my mouth
the words that
need to be said,
to be mumbled
take hold of my
tongue, this tepid
fat tongue
and do not crush me
any longer
have mercy on me
have mercy on me
do not crush me
into the earth
like a bug
any longer

put laughter in
that place, i
want to feel
what a bellylaugh can do
and put love
in my heart
the love that
wrecks empires
i want to feel
what Love can do

a man, the one i
know i don’t know
just bellylaughed
down the hall and
it bounded and shook
behind closed doors
all around the office
until it knocked my
distilling concentration
from the shelf

how strange, i thought
trying to recollect
the pieces of the me
that i am making.
how strange that
sound felt
and i wondered.
all the same i wondered.

come come my friend
let us curl in the blanket
here in the still dark
in the back of the closet

and i will whisper
as lowly as will allow
that i miss you dearly
and am missing you now

my head is swollen
and a thought is too much
but let me rest with you silent
and let me dream and such

let me fall asleep
where they don’t know
let me pull into you
so i will learn to let go

i want to be here
though i don’t know how
but i’m saying that I’ll try
that’s enough for now

i’ll stand on the city
with flowers below
the view is no different
now that i know

i’m addicted, i’m lost
the pain and reprieve
i seek both in the sun
with frost on the leaves

i’m stuck i’m stuck
on a question for you
did this play out
or did i just choose

the path of the night
the one to the left
the place of the lonely
the one of bereft

the two of us now
all others besides
this is my last
breath for awhile

we stand on the roof
the city below
you’re going to catch me
that is all i know

grab the grass
while you can
and hold it tightly
in your hand
little green sprouts
between knuckles of white
this is the part
this is the night
but don’t you let go
for up you’ll fall
beyond the trees,
the clouds and all
this has an end
writhe and twist
so hold the earth
in your white knuckled fist

if i forgive them, they get away.  and forgiveness doesn’t ease this pain.  hate is all i have.  i don’t know how to forgive.

but forgiveness will enable me to begin to move forward. so how do i forgive someone who doesn’t ask for it?  how did you do it, jesus?  how do you forgive us if we never ask for it?  too proud to ask for it.  does your forgiveness depend on us?  and are we all forgiven regardless of our desire to accept?

it makes sense that if i want to move on, i need to forgive.  what about you, jesus?  for you to love everyone, are they not already forgiven?  regardless of their faith in you?  if i am to forgive regardless of someones belief in me, how can you not be the same?

my conservative history is beginning to look more like heresy every day that i live through this pain.

jesus, easter is approaching.  i am afraid to move on.  to let them get away.  but i see more clearly this year than all previous that forgiveness is the only way.  help me forgive those whom i must.  help me not be afraid anymore.  i want to love.  amen.

this wasn’t supposed
to be about you
and the lovely way
you save people
from…
this was to be about me
and my needs
can’t you see
my needs?

one month down
in a new town
and the dust has settled
at my feet round
heaven or hell
and pain as well
who i will
become still
needs a
history that includes
what i am in now

…

God save me now
because I am drowning.
into my eyes water
into my nose farther
now my heart harder
is lead heavy
and I am sinking
and I am too tired

God save me now
because I am drowning
and no one else
seems to care